Spring Cleaning

This blog is about to change names.


I realize that 30 is around the corner and that although it started as a way of reporting on funny anecdotes and an exercise on self-deprecation it has become much more self-reflective than I thought. I no longer feel that I need to report on significant events in my life.

I did not intend it to become this way. I think it has to do with my natural introversion as well as growing up and realizing that if there is a homework I should take care of is appreciating every moment as I live it, instead of turning it into a compelling story for my blog.

It seems a little extreme and perhaps it is, just as I'm an extreme person. Not extreme as in extreme sports or extreme reactions. I'm extreme in thoughts and analysis and although I wish I was able to lay out all the complexity of my life in paper, I realize at the moment I don't know why I write this blog.



I like reading my own non-linear sentences, I like getting on my soapbox and talk about all these things that occupy my brain. I don't like the uncertainty of publishing something and trying to make it clear and pleasing to other people, only because although I renounced perfectionism in another article, well, it is a process and if I could have perfectionism and self-doubt rehab I would take it. In fact I think it is called therapy and I might be headed that way. And we are back on a non linear paragraph.

I try to communicate lessons, wishing that those around me will get to learn by osmosis. I also try to digest those lessons, I try to accept myself and the way I see the world. I try to recognize my talents and my faults and I try very hard to distinguish between the two.

I never believed everyone in this life is special. In fact, I was or maybe still am, one of those jerks that thinks that only a few select human beings are worth of admiration. One of those deeply unsatisfied insecure jerks that recoil at the words mediocrity and contentment.

I also believe everyone is great, I honestly think almost everyone that surrounds me is magnificent and deserving of all that is good in the world. I truly see the exceptional  I can see the talent and the good will of friends, family, coworkers, neighbors and others. I think this is a talent or an illusion, whatever it is I want to keep it for as long as I can.

How did I end up with this paradigm? this contradiction that up to today seems crazy to me. The best is that I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the only one concerned in keeping up with what I'm supposed to be. I know I'm not the only one needing acknowledgement and support or needing to cry and to ramble and all these things that I have just started to discover and accept.

I think this blog is an exercise in dusting the floors. Dusting the floors of my internal house out in the open. Exhibitionism for some, openness for others. I write because I push myself to do it. I write because the life anorexia I spoke about previously is a disease that needs medicine to keep under control.

Every time I hit the publish
button I regret it. Every time I hit the publish button I'm proud. Every time I publish I risk personal and professional annihilation but hey, worst comes to worst I will say that it seemed like a good idea at the time, just like this time and maybe next time.